书面表达 训练点评
　　
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　　湖南浏阳市八中 邓新华
　　
　　写作要求
　　
　　假如你叫李华，今年暑假你的一位美国朋友 Mr. Robert 打算携全家到北戴河度假一个月。他打算租一套合适的住房，想请你帮忙。你碰巧在因特网上发现了几则租房广告，并认为其中的一个较为合适。于是你将广告中的相关信息以书信的形式通过 e-mail 发送给 Mr. Robert ，供他参考，具体内容如下：
　　
　　1. 房子位于市区，距机场高速公路仅 1 公里，房子宽敞且设计新颖、美观；
　　
　　2. 备有安全系统较高的停车场，附近有医院、餐馆和各种现代化购物中心；
　　
　　3. 厨卫设备完善，水电供应系统良好；
　　
　　4. 如果想了解更详细的情况，请查阅他们的网址“ http:// www. bdhfz. com. cn ”。
　　
　　注意：要求要点齐全，但不能逐字逐句翻译，词数 120 左右。
　　
　　学生习作
　　
　　Dear Robert,
　　
　　I’m every glad to hear that you will come ① to Beidaihe to spend your summer vacation with your family. I’ve just read several ads for house rent from Internet, they ② might interest you, I think.
　　
　　One of the flats lies in the city seems to be suitable ③ . On the one hand, it is only one kilometer from the flat to the freeway to the airport, meanwhile ④ , there is a safely-guarded large parking area. And you can find a hospital and a modern shopping center nearby ⑤ . On the other hand, good designed ⑥ , the flat looks find and there is enough room for your five ⑦ . And the kitchen and the bathroom are good ⑧ furnished. Water and electricity are provided for 24 hours. If you need farther ⑨ information, you may look up the “http : // www. bdhfz. com. cn”.
　　
　　Best wishes!
　　
　　Yours,
　　
　　Li Hua
　　
　　June 6th, 2004 ⑩
　　
　　纠错诊所
　　
　　①按照英语习惯，一些瞬间动词如 come, go, leave arrive 等，常用其现在进行式表示将来。把 will come 改为 are coming ，更符合英语习惯。
　　
　　②此处为非限制性定语从句，应把 they 改为关系代词 which ，或者在 they 前边加上连词 and ，使句子成为并列句。
　　
　　③句子结构混乱。可在 lies 前边加上 which ，定语从句 which lies in the city 修饰主语 one of the flats ，或者把 lies 改为 lying ，用分词修饰主语。
　　
　　④句子前后不衔接。此处 meanwhile 是副词而非连词，其前应加上连词 and 。
　　
　　⑤可将这句话改为“ And there is a hospital and a modern shopping center as well nearby. ”使它与前一句句型一致，行文更连贯。
　　
　　⑥修饰错误。把 good 改为相应的副词形式 well 。英语中，常用副词修饰分词，如 Well done! A strongly-built ship 等。
　　
　　⑦表达错误。将 your five 改为 you five 或 the five of you 。
　　
　　⑧同⑥。将 good 改为 well 。
　　
　　⑨用词不当。将表示具体距离远近的 farther 改为表程度和抽象意义的 further 。
　　
　　⑩汉语式书信表达方式。按英语书信习惯，写信日期应当在信的右上方，且比称呼 “ Dear Robert ”靠上一行。
　　
　　名师点评
　　
　　从整体上讲，这篇学生习作相当不错。其优点如下：
　　
　　一、格式正确、要点齐全、主题明确、行文连贯、逻辑性较强、语言流畅。
　　
　　二、全文结构紧凑，层次分明。 on the one hand, meanwhile, and, on the other hand, if 等词语的运用，使全文条理清晰。
　　
　　三、文中运用了一些较好的词语和句型，如： might interest you, seems to be suitable, meanwhile, safely-guarded, well designed 等，增强了文章的表达力度。
　　
　　当然，文中也有些不足之处，小作者以后在这些方面要加以改进。
　　
　　参考范文
　　
　　June 6th, 2004
　　
　　Dear Robert,
　　
　　I’m very glad to hear that you are coming to Beidaihe to spend your summer vacation with your family. I’ve just read several ads for house rent from Internet, which might interest you, I think.
　　
　　One of the flats lying in the city seems to be suitable. On the one hand, it is only one kilometer from the flat to the freeway to the airport, and meanwhile, there is a safely-guarded large parking area. And there is a hospital and a modern shopping center as well nearby. On the other hand, well designed, the flat looks fine and there is enough room for you five. Besides, the kitchen and the bathroom are well furnished. Water and electricity are provided for 24 hours. If you need further information, you may look up the “http://www. bdhfz. com. cn”.
　　
　　Best wishes!
　　
　　Yours,
　　
　　Li Hua
　　
　　摘自 中学生英语读写