Diminutive
There was this teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals, she showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered.. so she gave them a clue, 'It has a long neck.' One kid answered, “ Giraffe! ” Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra. Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. 'This animal has stripes.' “ Zebra! ” one kid answered. So she put up[1] another one, that of a deer. The teacher could not think of[2] a clue. But suddenly she came up with one! She asked them 'what does your mother call your father?' Suddenly one child got up and answered 'HORNY BASTARD!'
昵称
老师正在教孩子们不同种类的动物，她给孩子们看一张长颈鹿的图片，问这是什么。没有人答得出来，于是她就提示，“它有一个长长的脖子。”一个小孩说：“长颈鹿。”老师很满意，又拿出一张斑马的图片。又没人会答，于是她又提示道：“这种动物有斑纹。”“斑马！”一个孩子回答道。接着她又拿出一张鹿的图片，老师想不出用什么来提示，突然她有了主意！她问孩子们：“你们的母亲怎么称呼你们父亲呀？”突然一个孩子站了起来，答道：“色鬼！”
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Pity
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “ Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up! ”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “ Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? ”
“ No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself[3]! ”
恻隐
一个新老师想试用她的心理学课程。她一上课就说：“谁认为自己是笨蛋，就站起来！”
几分钟后，小约翰尼站了起来。老师说：“你认为自己是笨蛋吗，小约翰尼？”
“不是的，夫人，但我不愿意看到就你一个人站着。”
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Threaten
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new...” He looks at it, then crumples[4] it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new...” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...”
威胁
一个黑手党的儿子坐在桌前给耶稣写信索要圣诞卡礼物。他写道： “ 亲爱的耶稣，我这一年都很乖，因而我想要……”他看了看，然后将它揉成一团，扔了。
他又拿了一张纸，重写道： “ 亲爱的耶稣，我这一年大部分时间都很乖，因而我想要……”他又不满意地看了看，然后扔了。
这时他灵机一动，走进母亲的房间，把一尊圣母玛丽娅的雕像，放进衣橱里，然后锁上门。他又取了一张纸，写道：”亲爱的耶稣，如果你还想见到你的母亲的话……”
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Puzzle
Mom and Dad were trying to console[5] Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“ You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God. ”
Susie, still crying, said “ What would God want with a dead dog? ”
困惑
苏茜的小狗死了，妈妈和爸爸正努力安慰着苏茜。
“你知道吗？小狗的死并不是你的错。也许他现在天堂，与上帝同在呢。”
苏茜啜泣着说：“上帝干嘛愿意和一只死狗在一起？”
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Where is God?
A little girl was eating a doughnut[6] on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed, “ God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you! ” Then she went inside. When the priest said, “ God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere! ” The little girl said, “ You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut! ”
上帝在哪
一个小女孩一边吃着油炸圈饼，一边向教堂走去。因为她不能在教堂里吃东西，她就把油炸圈饼放在外面，并祈祷道：“上帝，你可以为我看着我的油炸圈饼，不到别的地方去吗？谢谢！”然后女孩走进教堂。当牧师说：“上帝在这，上帝在那，上帝无处不在！”小女孩说：“你错了！上帝正在外面替我看着油炸圈饼呢！”
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Punish
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
惩罚
男孩：我没有做完事，你会惩罚我吗？
老师：当然不。
男孩：太好了，我没有做家庭作业！
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pee
A boy was at a public pool.
The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, “ Hey! Don't pee[7] in the pool! ”
The boy replied, “ But everybody does it! ”
“ 'Not from the diving board! ” shouted the lifeguard.
撒尿
一个男孩在公共泳池里。
救生员对男孩吹口哨并大叫道：“嗨，别在泳池里撒尿！”
男孩答道：“但大家都这么做！”
“但不是在跳水台上！”救生员叫道。
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The Ugliest
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed[8] to one of the ugliest girls there.
“ Why? ” he asks.
St. Paul replies, “ When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone. ” The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, “ When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone. ” The third guy laughs at his friends and says, “ Thank God I didn't do anything like that. ” He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, “ Why? ”
“ Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone 。”
最丑的
三个朋友死了，来到天堂。第一个人与一个最丑的女孩铐在了一起。
“为什么？”他问。
圣保罗回答，“你 9 岁那年，用石子砸死了一只鸟。”第二个也遭受到同样的待遇。他问为什么。
圣保罗答道：“你 9 岁那年，用石子砸死了一只鸟。”这时第三个人禁不住嘲笑起他的朋友，并说：“感谢上帝，我没做过这样的事。”于是他与天堂里最漂亮的女孩铐在一起。其他两个人问：“为什么？”
“因为她 9 岁的时候，用石子砸死了一只鸟。”
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Throw back
A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull[9] lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, “ Dad, what happened to the bird? ”
His dad told him, “ Son, the bird died and went to heaven. ”
Then the boy asked, “ Did God throw him back down? ”
扔回
一个 4 岁的小男孩与父亲向沙滩走去，看见一只死海鸥在沙土上。男孩问父亲：“爸爸，这只鸟怎么了？”
他爸爸说：“儿子，这只鸟死了，升天堂了。”
男孩又问道：“是上帝把它扔回来的吗？”
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Puzzle
A group of kindergarten[10] children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board[11], of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“ Yes, ” answered the policeman.
“ Well, ” wondered the child, “ why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? ”
困惑
一群幼儿园的孩子来到当地警局，看到公告牌上有 10 名通缉犯的照片。
其中有个小孩子就指着一幅照片，问这是否真的是通缉犯的照片。
“是的。”一名警察答道。
“嗯，”小孩子有些惊奇：“那你们为什么不在拍照时，就把他抓起来？”
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[注释1] put up 举起；抬起；张开（伞） Put your hands up! 举起手 !
[注释2] think of 考虑；思考 We are thinking of going to France. 我们考虑到法国去。
[注释3] by yourself adv. 你独自地
[注释4] crumple v. 弄皱， 压皱， 变皱， 崩溃， 垮台
[注释5] console vt. 安慰； 慰问 console a friend in grief 在朋友忧伤时予以慰问
[注释6] doughnut n. 油炸圈饼； n. 圆环图
[注释7] pee vi. [ 口 ] 撒尿， 解小便
[注释8] handcuffed n. 手拷； v. 上手拷
[注释9] seagull n. 海鸥
[注释10] kindergarten n. 幼儿园； adj. 幼儿园的 , 初级的 , 启蒙阶段的
[注释11] bulletin board ( 电子 ) 公告牌
